Welcome to Nursing School

Wow. So I had really meant to start blogging sooner and now I have too much to blog about all at once!

I had orientation for nursing school already and I have a lot of thoughts on that among other things and my mind is doing its usual non-linear pattern of thinking so I'm having trouble putting together all my thoughts on the current pieces of my life.

In general, I don't really want to edit myself. Like the above paragraph. I prefer to be able to use punctuation and words as they happen and just leave them as is. So, don't correct or comment on grammar, spelling, etc because I know it is mostly wrong and I'm already self-conscious about it but I want to be able to just write without stress (for once). I'm not wasting precious spoons on that. If however something is unclear because of how it is written, feel free to ask for clarification! Just don't tell me that I used a semicolon wrong or used affect instead of effect please.

So, orientation!!!

There were lots and lots of people. We were all put in the same room together for most of it. I had to figure out where to sit and lots of other things I hate doing. Lots of difficult social aspects of graduation!!

My default is to sit in a back corner because I can't deal with paying attention and sitting and listening when there is stuff going on behind me (something I'm going to have to deal with in the hospital). I tend to constantly look to see what the noises are etc. Also other issues and it is just one of the things I do and really appreciate when I'm in unfamiliar and overwhelming settings.

So, of course what happened was that there were no seats in the area I wanted. I instead sat about 3 or 4 rows from the back, all the way on the seat closest to the wall/aisle. First issue with this was that every time someone went to the bathroom I had to get up and maneuver my stuff around and it was awkward and inconvenient and often involved human touching which I don't like with strangers. Second issue. A row or two behind me there was a group of girls who talked the ENTIRE time. I couldn't focus on a lot of the presentations because they were talking. Not the type of talking where they whisper something every few minutes or comment on the presentation. They basically just sat there throughout every presentation having unrelated conversations with each other loudly enough that we could all clearly understand the whole conversation. It made it really difficult to follow and was upsetting me and I didn't know how to say something to them without being mean because I was getting upset. So that was fun (sarcasm).

One of the other big auditorium style presentations decided to do an "icebreaker". This was the same one I think that they did at accepted applicants visiting day whatever it was called. Basically "stand up if...". So, they had everyone standup who was an older sibling, then younger, etc. The idea being a way to ask basic not super personal information about each other and look around and see people who have meaningless things in common with you. For starters, obviously this is a problem because lots of people can't physically stand-up. However, generally speaking those folks aren't allowed into a lot of nursing programs anyway because of "essential qualifications" (I'm writing a post about "essential qualifications" but I'm not done yet, so I will try to remember to put the link to it back here when I finish it). On top of that, those of us with "invisible" physical disabilities are expected to do these things which we shouldn't. I am technically physically capable of standing up and sitting back down repeatedly. However, it is a bad idea and I will hurt myself. Just like I am capable of walking up a few flights of stairs but when I couldn't find the elevator the other day and was walking with a group of people and just went up the stairs with them, I was in pain for a few hours. I hate this type of shit.

The entire thing was way too loud. There were too many people. I had to leave one of the socializing parts of the week and hide in the bathroom to hyperventilate. I couldn't take my antianxiety meds though because then I couldn't take my adderall and without my adderall I can't focus on the presentations and stuff. A lot of it involved too much social stuff for me to understand or be able to deal with.

I lost my phone this past week so I didn't have it for part of orientation (I got it back). Apparently our scrubs are made out of a not comfy material. So unlike every single other pair of scrubs I have ever felt which I would be fine wearing, our scrubs are probably going to bother me. I bought a pair of used scrubs which seem to be a different fabric so I might just wear those and then wash the brand new ones a bunch of times in the laundry and see if it helps. I think if I tried to get an accommodation to wear a different scrub fabric they would throw a fit.

I made some friends, I think. I managed to finally at the very end of the first day actually have a conversation with another incoming student for more than 10 seconds. I don't know if I made friends. You know why? Because the world doesn't work the way that my Sims game does. Sometimes, I wish it did. For those of you who haven't played Sims this is what I mean. When you make two players interact, they have choices on how to interact. They can do stuff like be nice to each other. If they do friendly things, it makes the friend meter go up between them. Once it hits the top they level up in relationship status and you can move from stranger through a number of other statuses to best friends. There are also ways to interact romantically or in mean ways and that can make them become romantically involved to the point of getting married or to be nemeses. Basically, in the game the more you are nice to a person the more you are friends and there are clearly defined linear guidelines for "acquaintances" and "friends" "good friends" etc. In real life, it isn't like that. I have no idea how to not scare people away who I want to be friends with. I don't know at what point I can say "oh, yeah, my friend Bob". It just makes it even harder and adds another layer to this stuff. Especially when you throw in gender and things like that. *sigh*

The other amusing thing was that they did FIT testing for me. For those who don't know what that is basically they test your size for these protective masks. Part of the testing they put you in this big hood and they spray this stuff in a hole and tell you to stick out your tongue and tell them after how many pumps you smell or taste anything. The lady hadn't even finished the first pump when I was disgusted by the bitter taste of it. Yeah. Luckily I fit one of the standard sizes so I don't need a special one.

So, that is the basic and boring summary of how orientation went. Stay tuned!

Self-Accommodation and my Emergency/First Aid Kit

So, a few months ago I started writing this post and just got around to finishing it and posting it now. Since then, I read a similar post: Yes, That Too: Accommodating Ourselves which you should also check out, it is great, and it covers a lot of the same stuff. The main difference is that their post is mostly social related accommodations of sensory stuff and I add some the biomedical type accommodations and accommodation needs. 

Everyone has their own personal things they need, but these are mine. 

TW: Minimal blood and skin picking 

I bring a basic First Aid Kit with me basically everywhere. Days like today it is both essential and still incomplete. I also carry what I used to call my “aspie kit” (see Lydia Brown’s post as to why I stopped calling myself an aspie (The Problem with Aspergers ) and now generally just call my “emergency kit” with me everywhere. Both a first aid kit and an “emergency kit” can be essential for many of us and can be either one or two.

My “emergency kit” is usually kept in a regular inconspicuous pencil case. 

My first aid kit at the moment is in a Ziploc bag at the bottom of my backpack. I haven’t needed it in a while, I’ve been pretty careful and when I haven’t I’ve usually been able to bandage at home sufficiently.

Emergency Kit:

• Bag/Case: I keep mine in simple pencil cases (the big kind with 2 zipper pockets, not the skinnier ones). I like that because I can pack it in my backpack and it comes with me everywhere. I don’t have to think about it and it keeps me calm knowing. When I have to go somewhere nicer, I can usually fit it into a purse type thing. If it is a really nice thing I can take some of the things out (or extras of those things) based on the type of event. If someone is more femme than I am I’m sure you can use a nice clutch for this kit or some type of make-up bag which can be put in a purse. One of the important things is that I like to keep it together and be able to just pack it in the bag along with my phone, wallet, water bottle, and whatever else I’m bringing and not have to constantly be thinking “what if I need X!” and then running around frantically trying to account for every scenario.
•  Ear plugs: I buy reusable ones and keep them in their handy case and bring them with me almost anywhere just in case. Disposable ones are okay but not worth the money or environmental waste in my opinion. 
• Tissues: for obvious purposes as well as for when I pick at my skin and it bleeds too much (their usual use with me)  
• Chapstick of some kind:  I keep at least one with me all times if possible. In the winter especially. I lick my lips constantly in the winter and get HORRIBLE chapped lips which crack and bleed and I pick at them and they get infected and it is a bad thing. So, I usually carry a mini (e.g. 7g) thing of Vaseline with me and a small lip thing (that looks a little more normal is still for chapped lips and not a lip gloss) as well.
•  A stim toy: obviously stim toys are the best. I often carry more than one but I try to keep a small one at least in this so that I can bring it. I have a mini slinky and a magnetic bracelet usually. Magnetic beaded bracelets (that look like these, but ignore the rest of the website) are a wonderful way to bring a stim toy to something when you need to look like a grown-up!
• Meds: Any meds that I need to take either as needed or a few times throughout the day I keep extras of here. Specifically, my anti-anxiety meds and at least one type of painkiller are a must for me. I usually keep my inhaler here in case of asthma problems too

Miscellaneous Other: 

• Aromatherapy: I personally really like the Bath & Body Works “Stress Relief Instant Aromatherapy” roll-on  (no produce placement or endorsement, I bought it and I like it and I didn’t compare to any other products). It is small and smells nice and does help calm me down a little bit. This is me as an Autistic disabled person, not as a nurse suggesting this since as a nurse I know nothing about aromatherapy's medical benefits etc.
• Auditory relief: I keep my headphones and ipod outside of the kit because I use them all the time but headphones and some type of music player are definitely great kits to bring along everywhere  
• Edible: I usually try to keep some type of protein/energy bar in there just in case I really need a snack and I’m getting grumpy and stuff. I also personally keep tea in mine sometimes. I am particular about what kinds of tea I like and find that knowing I have my own is useful.
•  Menstruation stuff: for those who menstruate having an extra pad/tampon/menstrual cup can be great to keep with this stuff so you know you always have one on you. 
• I often also keep one or two first aid items with me in this kit in case I don't bring the full travel first aid with me everywhere 

First Aid Kit (travel- I have a massive first aid kid that I keep at home)

• Medical tape (paper): also useful sometimes for fixing broken jewelry, pretending it is scotch tape, and a whole bunch of other things. I buy the paper kind because it is less irritating on the skin and just more comfortable for me. I used to buy other kinds of tape and then I’d wind up getting a rash from it or just itching at it and then I’d have to get a bigger gauze pad to cover that irritation on top of the actual injury and it would just be a disaster.
• Gauze Pads (individually wrapped): I usually keep at least one large (~4x4 inches) non-stick gauze pad in there just in case there is some bigger issue. Also, sometimes I have to re-bandage an injury that needs something that big. It can also be good as a sterile pad to wipe a small but bloody/messy injury or wash it off.  
• Antibiotic ointment: neosporin or something like that from the store. Sometimes you can get free samples of individual little packages of them from medical places or store purchased first aid kits. 
• Band-Aids (regular and dot for me): I only buy the sensitive skin ones (see above for tape). I get the regular basic size and the dot size and bring a few of each in my travel kit. The dot ones not everybody needs but for me they are especially awesome because as I have mentioned I am a skin picker and the dot bandages tend to be the perfect size for a lot of the tiny little spots I need to cover from that and they are less conspicuous than regular sized and stay on weird surfaces better.
• Alcohol pads: I bring a bunch of these with me. They are good for a whole range of things not just first aid.

a passover story

I had a lot of thoughts over the first few days of Passover that I wanted to share.

My story
The Passover seder I was at did a thing where people spoke as objects or people from the Passover story. For example, someone speaking as the frog leader from the plague of the frogs about what it was like to be a frog in that story. 

One woman chose to be Moses/Moshe/משה. She began to speak and then quickly made some statement (I forgot what it was) and began speaking with a fake lisp. It was not only a fake lisp, but a very imprecise one that essentially combined multiple different speech problems into one. I was really upset by this and found it HUGELY offensive for a number of reasons. 
1) Emotionally as someone with a former speech impairment
2) Intellectually/academically as someone who reads about disability studies stuff
3) As a disability advocate

(1) I was in speech therapy for 5 years when I was younger and still can’t listen to my voice recorded because I hate how my own voice sounds. For years after I stopped speech therapy I wouldn’t speak to strangers if I could help it and would use my family to interpret for me. In case the image isn’t clear enough, when I was in high school and on a date with someone I realized it was one of the first times I ordered for myself at a restaurant. So, I am obviously very sensitive about these things. 

(2) Through my disability studies reading am aware of the more academic issues with such an act. Tobin Siebers in his book Disability Theory discusses the topic of disability masquerade and specifically “disability drag”. He talks about the problems with non-disabled people pretending or acting like they have a disability. This was in the context of movies and other media, but I think the act is still problematic on a much smaller stage.

(3) The family hosting that seder, have a daughter with disabilities. I don’t know if she was previously in speech therapy. I know that her “non-disabled” sibling (who is my friend) was in speech therapy and was also offended by it (we spoke when we left the room quietly so we wouldn’t have to listen to all of it). That sibling was offended in similar ways to the #1 reason I listed above as well as from being an aware person of disability stuff. The daughter with disabilities I don’t know well. However, I do know that having multiple disabilities makes me more aware of these issues and more sensitive and even when the disability being mentioned isn’t mine, I’m still way more sensitive. I have no idea if she noticed it, saw it as wrong, or was offended by it. 

My thoughts about this story
These types of situations are hard to navigate. There were a lot of people and there isn’t an easy way to stop someone in the middle and chastise them without it being really rude, embarrassing, and NOT educational. I don’t blame them or fault them. I however know that if my parents are silent when something about another disability is mentioned in a way I’m offended by, I feel hurt. As a disability advocate, I worry about things like this happening which aren’t “such a big deal” in the scheme of things but are really missed opportunities for a wonderful teaching moment and a really good excuse to remind your daughter, or remind people in general that respecting people with disabilities is important. 

My friend spoke about it after as a missed teaching moment. I think that is really one of the things that bothers me most. Some of the woman’s points would have been wonderful to listen to (e.g. ‘why would God choose someone like me who has trouble speaking and expressing himself to be a leader?’) if I could have listened. Moses and his speech problems is a wonderful disability teaching moment and an empowering discussion. So, I will take this opportunity to share a few thoughts about it. 

(Note: I am discussing this story, the characters, and my own things about it from a literary perspective of viewing the hagaddah and the Passover narrative as a disability related story. I don’t want to get into religion or religious discussions or anything. “God” is being used as a literary character who makes choices and beyond that I have no interest in getting into. My own religious beliefs beyond being a Jew are irrelevant.)

Teaching Moment
God chooses Moses to lead the Jewish people. He chooses him to essentially go and advocate for the Jewish people before Pharaoh. Choosing a leader and an advocate who has trouble speaking is a strange choice. God appoints Aaron as an interpreter for Moses. Despite the fact that Aaron is supposedly speaking for Moses, he is still a secondary character. There is no question that Moses is the leader and that he got the Jews out of Egypt. Moses is the focus and the hero and his words are viewed as such. Aaron is a character as Moses’ brother and as an interpreter, but his role as an interpreter is viewed as just that; interpreting what Moses wants to say into words that others can more easily understand. 

I don’t have any wonderful insights to share. I just want to bring this idea up. That Moses seems to be the first person in history to use AAC (stands for Augmentative and Alternative Communication, wikipedia calls it an "umbrella term that encompasses the communication methods used to supplement or replace speech or writing") and have his words viewed as his own. Not only that, but despite his needing an interpreter, he was still viewed as capable of advocating for others (and others who had very different childhoods than his own). 

Onwards! 
On that note, I hope those of you celebrating Passover have a good one and those of you who aren’t celebrating/aren’t Jewish have a good week anyway. I don’t usually look to the bible or religion for things about disability (as they often depress me) but when I’m smacked on the head with a disability scenario which can be viewed positively I think sometimes it is good to share. It would be nice if someone who is better with words than I am wanted to interpret my ideas and write something actually nice about this topic. 

Pain

I was discussing this with a few friends the other day. Autistic pain and neurotypical pain, and well, everyone's pain, is not the same. The other day I was told something would be VERY painful, but it wasn't. It was however VERY unpleasant and INTENSE, but not really too painful. These are different sensations and they make a BIG difference to me in how I prepare mentally for them. 

At the physical therapist or the doctor, I'm asked to rate my pain on a scale of 0 (or 1) to 10. Sometimes, it is merely a binary- pain? yes or no. 

A lot of the time, the questions have to do with what KIND of pain. 

For example, WebMD asks; Q: How would you describe your headache? The possible options to this question are: 

1) sharp or stabbing

2) dull or achy

3) burning or stinging

4) pressure or fullness

5) throbbing

6) none of the above 

I'm often at physical therapy and can't describe the sensations. It is tenderness and discomfort, but not exactly pain. There are just so many ways we can feel things, so many unpleasant ways, and so few words we know how to use for it. The types of analogies we use are also lacking. 

Then, when you get to autistic descriptions of pain/discomfort to NTs it is sometimes just totally baffling and impossible to communicate. 

I read this excerpt from the wonderful magical and highly highly acclaimed (by me) anthology, Loud Hands: Autistic People Speaking which pointed to some of this.  

"When I was six years old, people who were much bigger than me with loud echoing voices held my hands down in textures that hurt worse than my broken wrist while I cried and begged and pleaded and screamed"  (Bascom, Julia. "Quiet Hands." 119). 

Certain things HURT us (autistics) that aren't physiologically supposed to be related to pain. It is very complicated and confusing and there is just a lack of terminology for talking about how our bodies feel. I have noticed through physical therapy that in general I don't know the right words for the right feelings. I know good or bad and painful or itchy but I don't really know how to explain to a non-autistic what it feels like, really FEELS like to sit still for too long without stimming. Or to explain what it feels like to have to eat the wrong kind of foods. 

I think it would be great to have some way of comparing feelings and sensations that we feel and understand and know about ourselves to the more traditional and medical and NT ideas about sensation. 

I don't have ideas. Just thoughts. 

Why I want to do what I want to do

[trigger warnings for all of the mentioned articles about ableism, abuse, neglect, and general lack of respect for the lives of people with disabilities]

Most people do not understand why I would want to focus on people with disabilities in a medical practice. 

The LGBTQ part some people understand or just realize they totally don't understand and let it go. However, most people assume that the medical realm, doctor's offices, hospitals, etc is THE place that caters to people with disabilities. So why on earth would you need a special place?!

Well, Doctors Turning Away Patients With Disabilities - Disability Scoop Just because a place is medical in nature, does not make it accessible. 

And then you get articles like this: Doctors put lower value on lives of the disabled, study finds - Telegraph

Of course there are also many many articles about this case "Woman claims hospital restrained autistic son, left him to suffer" [Trigger warnings for: medical neglect, abuse, graphic images, and restraints]. 

And of course not being allowed organs: Disability Bias Clouding Organ Transplants, Report Finds

I could of course go on and on and on for hours. I don't want to though. I can't. It is too upsetting. It is simply unacceptable. 

I should not have to do anything special to be a medical provider for people with disabilities. It should be the norm. But it isn't. It makes me furious. However, being furious doesn't do anything if it doesn't lead to anything. So, here I am. Overworking myself with prerequisites so that I can start nursing school in a few months. Hopefully, one day I can try to make a difference for at least some people. I would like to not have to. But, until then. I will just be furious and try to make something worthwhile out of it. 

I'm sick of the doctor

I'm sick of the pills. I'm sick of feeling like a chemistry experiment.
I don't want to make anyone feel like that. Ever. 

But chances are I will. 

I'm not sure how to deal with that. 

Welcome

Hello whoever is reading this,

I wanted to welcome you to my blog. I should be doing homework right now but I have to take a break to reduce the massive level of anxiety I'm feeling.

I started this blog because I realized there is a lot of pontificating and venting I will need to be doing (even more than usual) once I start graduate school. I was accepted to a joint program to get certified as an NP and get an MPH. That means, I will be doing an accelerated program to do a Bachelors of Science in nursing (for people with a BA in another field) which takes about a year and then the same program I would be continuing to get my Masters in nursing. Then during this there is time set aside for me to get a masters of public health as well (all in the same university). It is about 3.5 years for all of it if I just do those programs. If I continue and get a DNP (doctorate of nursing practice, the clinical doctorate degree for nurses) that would add another 2 years.

I'm a feminist, vegetarian, queer, pansexual, cisgendered, Jewish, white, Autistic, physically disabled (yet not visibly so), geeky female. I hate ableism, racism, transphobia, sexism, and all that other stuff. I however also really love biomedical sciences and public health. Being part of the medical industrial complex while still using phrases like the medical industrial complex is really difficult and requires a certain amount of cognitive dissonance. Additionally, being white, passable as straight, passable as able-bodied, and cisgendered means that there is a lot of privilege I have in that institution which I'm really uncomfortable with given the communities I want to work with and care about. I want to work with the LGBTQ communities and disabled communities primarily. I essentially want to work with those people who are told that they are too abnormal for doctors to understand how to treat them and that it isn't worth their time to try. I want to take that time.

Already, reading the list of competency requirements I'm curling up inside myself to compartmentalize and find a way to deal with who I am and who I must be in order to succeed in graduate school.

So, to anybody reading this...I hope your night is less stressful than mine and I will speak to you again soon.

-Me